Timeline

Today was the first time I was able to sit and reflect upon this past year of our lives.  I get that it's January 3rd {when I began this post}, but I've been kind of busy. {cough cough**bailing a loved one from jail**cough cough}


This time last year, Wyatt was just a thought, and now he is here.  That alone blows my mind.  Kennedy has grown so much.  We have been healthy, and overall... it was a year with nothing but blessings for our family.  Blessings I know I haven't spent enough time thanking God for.  


I heard a song on K LOVE in the car on my way to take Kennedy to school and it got the Spirit moving in my heart.  This is my sloppy, disconnected account of the way God worked in my heart this week to teach me.  It may be hard to follow.  I'm sorry.  I'm writing my thought process the way it happened, and this is mainly for my children to read someday, but I'll share it with you too.  =)

I have had a lot of roles throughout my life, but my favorite by far is the one that belongs to these two.... mommy.

When I look forward to 2012, I find myself anxiously anticipating some big events throughout this year in which I play several different roles.

Watching Mad in Legally Blonde ----->Sister

Mary Kate's Wedding ----->Friend

Kennedy's birthday -----> Mommy

Ginny's Bridal Shower----->Hostess

Summer Vacation with Family----->;Mommy, Wife, Daughter, Sister

Beth Moore Simulcast and Women's Ministry Spa Event------>Women's Ministry Member

Ginny's Wedding ----->Matron of Honor

Wyatt's 1st birthday-----> Mommy

Disney World Trip with our Friends----->Mommy, Wife, Friend

I can't wait for what this year has to bring!  Plus, with all the holidays scattered throughout my long list.... we are going to be busy!  That gets me excited.  

I don't do resolutions much.  I always break them.  I do generic resolutions.  Yeah, I'd like to lose weight.  Yeah, I'd like to spend more time with Jesus. Yeah, I wanna be a better mom, wife, friend etc. etc. etc. 

Facebook timeline came out right before Christmas.  I. was. mortified.  I didn't want past relationships plastered for the world to see!  I didn't want the person I was in 2004 plastered all over the w.w.w.  Eeek!  I deleted my account and created a new one... erasing the past.  I figured some things were meant to stay there.  I should be proud of my account now... It's only the "good" stuff.  Mommy stuff, friend stuff, church stuff, family stuff.  No exes, no trashy/unethical send me to hell in a hand basket type of behavior, yah know, just a good, clean, and "Christian" life that you'd gladly let your preacher look at type of profile.  My friend texted me and said something like, "you are crazy, you were never bad in the past."  Wow, I should really take pride in that and the fact that I'm such a "good" person now too. {please, note my sarcasm in this paragraph.}  HA!

You see, as this particular song which I'm about to share hit my ears and stirred my heart I realized something very scary.  When did I become completely content with the level I am at in my intimacy with God?  I mean, I read my Bible.  I say I want to be better and closer and yada yada ya.  I say it, but I don't think I have truly meant it for a while now.  Woah. That was really hard for me to type.  I am so ashamed.  When did I become okay with just being a good person?  When did I become more focused on my role as mommy, friend, wife, daughter, sister, blogger, church member, etc. than daughter of the King of Kings who graciously gave me each of these roles to begin with?  

As a girl, I spent my whole life searching for who I was.  Through musical theater, friends, boys, clubs, school, church, youth groups, etc.  I yearned to be the "role" God created me to be.  I was desperate at times because I would fall so hard.  I failed over and over and over.   From a book I'm reading called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young:

"This is not a path of continual success but of multiple failures.  However, each failure is followed by a growth spurt, nourished by increased reliance on Me. {me referring to God}." 

Shame on me for feeling "successful" in my walk with Christ.

So yes, Facebook Britney in 2004 you lived in sin.  God forgave you.  And yes,  Facebook Britney in 2012, you still live in sin.  God is still forgiving you.

I sat down with Dave when our kids were asleep.  {God must have known we needed time because this never happens!  HA!  Holy intervention right there people.}  We talked and we prayed.  

Somehow we came to the conclusion that we have become satisfied with who we are.  That scares my bloomers off!  If you are a single gal or guy reading this, you might be thinking... wow {besides the fact my husband was arrested} that my life as a wife and mommy is pretty boring.  I sometimes think I subconsciously think that too.  I mean come on...  this is a girl who had dreams of being the next Kristin Chenoweth or at LEAST living in a big city at one point.  Then as my walk grew closer, my dreams changed to marrying Kristian Stanfill or the likes and leading big events like Passion.  But then my dreams changed again when I met Dave in college, who later became an insurance salesman.  We got married.  We had two kids.  We now attend a church we love, change diapers and participate in our friends weddings'.  I get excited just typing that.  HA!  ;)

As a Believer, I know that despite what's considered exciting to the world, my life is exciting, because I am called to change and grow continuously.  I am called to crave Him.  I am called to allow Him to constantly shape and mold me into the daughter He wants me to be.  I am not settling anymore in this role.  The person I am right now is not who I want to be when I die and meet Jesus in Heaven. I play a lot of worldly roles that God has blessed me with, but when it comes to knowing who I am in Christ, I have been so stagnant for so long, that I have lost myself.  I'm thankful that He has been holding me continuously in a time I didn't even know I needed it.  When I feel like an insignificant housewife who has no chance of doing something really exciting or BIG for God..... I am reminded of His infinite, indescribable love for me.  I see my children, whom He placed on this Earth, and I know that this, right now, is the most important mission field I have ever had.  

When I look back at my Facebook Timeline I am able to reminisce on my past to see how God has blessed my life, and how He continuously changed me despite my sin and failures. I am reminded of His all-mighty power. I belong to Him, and His love that lives in my heart is big enough to give me a role in this life that is so full of purpose.  This song is kind of my anthem for 2012.

Here are the lyrics:

Remind Me Who I Am

Jason Gray

When I lose My way,
And I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see,
Is who I don't wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the lonliest places,
When I can't remember what grace is.


Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you.
To you.


When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't recieve your love,
Afraid I'll never be enough,
Remind me who I am.
If I'm your beloved,
Can you help me believe it.


Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you, Woh.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you.
To you.


I'm the one you love,
I'm the one you love,
That will be enough,
I'm the one you love.


Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you, Woh.
To you.

And if you want to watch the video, which I HIGHLY suggest, then just mute my playlist at the bottom of the page!  =)

So with that, my resolution for 2012 is to fully give all of me to Christ.  May I surrender myself to allowing God to show me who I am to Him each day, each month, each year that I spend on this Earth.  May I crave His presence in a way that I never have before, and as He looks throughout my adventurous "timeline", may He see a child that despite the sin, is growing towards her Savior.  

God forgive me for feeling finished.  I know that you are not through with me yet.  Thank you for your grace and love that gives me hope and continual transformation.  Renew me.  Plant Your desires for my life within my heart. Use me.  Help me discover who I am to You and hold that role of utmost importance.